I learned from a very young age that it was often easier to agree with people than to argue or try to convince someone. I was a precocious child who had a lot to say about a lot of things and there were definitely people in my life who did not appreciate that level of independence displayed by such a young person.
As I grew older and less sure of myself, I began to look to others to define me, to set direction in my life, and before I knew it I had no idea what I really thought, felt, knew or understood. I had given up my independence. I had forgotten that I was born with innate knowledge, understanding and wisdom. I had allowed the disempowering energy of acquiescence to invade my mind and my soul. And, I was drowning.
What followed was years and years of not trusting myself, of putting other people's opinions and judgements ahead of my own, which ultimately led to depression, anxiety, and hopelessness. I no longer trusted myself to know what was best for me. I could not even answer the question "What would you like to be when you grow up." Instead, I relied heavily on my charisma, my humor, my tenaciousness, and my overall capability to handle any situation I found myself in to excel in my life. However, it was all empty. I never once experienced joy, fulfillment or accomplishment. I was more like a puppet than a person with independent thoughts and feelings.
From an outsiders perspective, I am certain my life looked very different than I am describing it. As a child of disfunction, we learn very quickly that it is safest to put on a happy face and play the part of someone with all their shit together than it was to fall apart, express your feelings, and, god-forbid, call out the disfunction. I may have rebelled from time to time, because what teenager doesn't? However, I generally followed the suggestion of others for what was best in my life, I agreed with what people said I was good at and what subject matter I should pursue in college rather than allowing myself to know myself.
In 2011, at a time in my life when I was beginning to face the harsh reality that I was unhappy in the life I had created and was considering some truly drastic decisions, I reluctantly agreed to both a Life Activation and Adept Initiation. Having no real context to what these things were, I followed the strong energy of the very quiet voice inside me that said yes.
To say that my life changed as a result of reluctantly agreeing to receive the energy realignment of the Life Activation and the spiritual empowerment of the Adept Initiation would be the understatement of the century. Within a year of my initiation there was not one thing in my life that was still the same.
One year into being an Adept within the Modern Mystery School I had the opportunity to attend a 10-month ascension process called the Universal Hermetic Ray Kabbalah program. The main promise of Kabbalah is that you will come to know yourself as you come to know God. I signed up because even after a year and after everything that had changed in my life, I still did not know myself. I had no idea what my contribution to the world would be, I just knew that it was something important and that time was running out to figure it out.
The next 10 months wizzed by as I began to peel back the layers of personality, recognizing the multitude of masks that I had created as coping strategies and as safety measures. I was amazingly able to release how I identified as these lesser versions of myself. And, ultimately, I discovered that acquiescence is the quintessential slippery slope for me.
I was the only one who could reclaim my crown and claim my sovereignty over my life. I had to take responsibility for the world I had created, for the messages and projections that I had owned as my own, and for the results that I had in my life.
Sovereignty is the highest state of empowerment. It is the place of total and complete responsibility for one's self, one's actions, one's creations.
Sovereignty is not rebellion. Sovereignty is the way of freedom, the way of spiritual enlightenment and attainment, the way of self mastery.
As I began to release all of the stories about myself that we disempowering or that did not reflect who I really was in my core, I found that life began to feel easier and easier to live. My relationships with others began to transform. I began to show up in my life with a confidence and I felt the return of my passion.
Like any good major lesson, I have been tested several times since making the decision to reclaim my crown and live as a sovereign. I have had to bang my head against a brick wall a couple more times before I came to the deep wisdom that only comes when knowledge meets experience. Now I trust that I am able to discern whether I am in a state of acquiescence vs sovereignty and choose to act accordingly.
It has been 10 years since I stepped onto the Path of the Initiate. I hardly recognize the person I used to be. I am so grateful to fully embrace my uniqueness, I live the life I want, and, best of all, to serve others in the world as they learn the same lessons and gain the same wisdom. We can and should be Kings and Queens in our lives - this is our destiny!
My deep and endless love to you,